Monday, October 26, 2009

The DNB's Illness Progression (TM)

I think I have the flu.

That's why it's an excellent day to dedicate to discuss the stages of sickness the DNB manifests. Whenever I feel like I'm whining a little too much, or feeling a little too sorry for my sick-ass self, I just think of the DNB and remember that OH MY GOD HE IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN I AM.

The DNB's Illness Progression (TM)

Stage 1
The DNB thinks he might be getting a little sick. There are no physical manifestations at this stage, so he needs a way to justify his suspicions. So he takes his temperature obsessively, hoping for a low-grade fever. Usually by the 23rd try, he's worked himself up so much the thermometer will register somewhere in the neighborhood of a 99.8. Triumphant, he waves the thermometer in the face of everyone nearby.

Stage 2
Exhausted by the thermometer antics, and feeling justified, the DNB begins whining. "I don't feel well," he'll moan from the couch. "Can you get me a magazine and my slippers? Baby? BABY?! Can you hear me??? Are you ignoring me?? I NEED MY SLIPPERS!!"

Stage 3
The DNB's throat begins to get a little sore, and he thinks probably his head hurts too. This development amps up the whining considerably, since now he has something specific to whine about. He begins taking an arsenal of medicines, many of which he disparages in his normal, healthy life for lack of "clinical evidence."

Stage 4
The sore throat resolves, and now the DNB is left with an obnoxious, hacking cough. This cough will last for approximately 2 weeks, during which time the DNB will be made to sleep on the couch 4-5 times, and will consume 86 cough drops. His morning head-clearing ritual will make me want to punch him in the face approximately 3 times.

Stage 5
The DNB is now, technically, completely recovered. He will still mope around the house for a few more days, for good measure. It is this Stage at which I will begin feeling ill. The DNB, with a wave of his hand, will advise me to take some Tylenol, and will ask what I'm making for dinner.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.