Wednesday, August 19, 2009

An Open Letter to the Maker of Oscar Mayer Deli Fresh Lunch Meats.

Dear Kraft Foods,

You suck.

I have loved your Deli Fresh Rotisserie Chicken cold cuts for years and years. In the past, I have purchased a plethora of packages with abandon. But as I explained in my email to you, my husband and I are now on a strict grocery budget. Because he's selfish like that, the DNB refuses to forgo milk so I can continue indulging in the tasty goodness of your Deli Fresh lunch meats. As disappointing as it is to all of us that my husband was raised to drink milk with every meal, I have a list of other things I'm trying to change about him first. Like how whenever he opens ANYTHING, he leaves the packaging remnants scattered hither and yon. Or the fact that he's trying to "bring back" the word gnarly. So you can see I have my hands tied on the milk-for-meat thing.

All I wanted from you was a coupon. I'm not talking anything big - I mean, you have CEO bonuses to dole out, I get that. 50 cents off, even 30 cents off. A little gesture for a customer who's spend roughly $5,098.45 on your Deli Fresh meats over the years. A little something for a customer who wants to remain loyal in the midst of an economic downturn the likes of which we haven't seen for decades.

But Kim, the Associate Director of Consumer Relations, refused. "About your request for coupons, I don't have any coupons I am able to pass along to you. The best place for you to find coupons for our products would be in places like newspapers, magazines and on tear-off pads displayed at your grocery." Let's walk through this again Kim, because I don't think you're hearing me.

I told you that I'm on a BUDGET. You suggest that to get a 40 cent coupon, I should buy a $3.99 magazine. I wasn't on Math League in middle school or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's not a great deal.

In conclusion, Kraft, I'm not buying your Deli Fresh lunch meats anymore.

Also, I want to tell you a true story. Once upon a time, Kemp's ice cream went on sale at Rainbow Foods. Yes, I know Rainbow is a stupid name for a grocery store. The sale was amazing - Kemp's was far cheaper than even the generic Rainbow brand ice cream, which trust me on this, is DISGUSTING. Well I paired that sale with a Kemp's coupon, and even though it's usually fairly expensive, that deal allowed me to try the brand for the first time and STAY WITHIN MY BUDGET. I couldn't get over the fact that ice cream that delicious was that cheap, so I wrote to the Kemp's people and told them it was like a Christmas Miracle. And do you know what they did, Kraft Foods? They sent me a coupon. Not just any measly 50 cents off coupon like I was hoping for from you - but a FREE HALF GALLON COUPON. That's like a $4 value. Ever since then, coupon or not, I've bought nothing but Kemp's brand ice cream.

The moral of the story, as should be apparent, is to always leave a note. And also, send a coupon.

Formerly Yours,

1 comment:

amberlou36 said...

I will boycott with you now that I've developed coupon sensibilities. No Oscar Mayer Deli Fresh until S gets a coupon!!!!