Monday, May 25, 2009

Of Mice and Men

Dead animals make me gag.

I'm about to pull into the driveway, when I see it. A Giant Dead Mouse in the center of the driveway, on his back with his little legs in the air.

"Oh my God. Please take care of that," I tell the DNB.

"What's wrong?" he replies. From his angle, he can't see what I'm talking about. "Holy CRAP!" he shouts as soon as he spots it.

He walks over and examines it. He does a good job of hiding his fear that the Giant Dead Mouse is just playing dead, waiting for the right moment to strike as part of some sick mouse revolution. Yeah, I've read Redwall, those suckers can BATTLE. The DNB searches our neighbor's trash cans for something to move it with. Eventually he finds a Big Gulp cup. I cover my eyes because this is all SO DISGUSTING. I gag a little bit.

I hear the scraping sound as the DNB scoops the Giant Dead Mouse into the cup. I peek through my fingers as he carries it to the trash can. I shield my eyes for a few more seconds, until I figure it's safe. I lift my head to see the DNB, standing in front of me, WIGGLING THE EFFING GIANT DEAD MOUSE'S TAIL AT ME.

"Baaaaaaaaaaaabbyyyyyyyyyy!" I shriek in horror.

This is, apparently, the desired result, as his glee is evident.

"Man, that was a huge rat," he says as we walk into the house.

"RAT?" I shout. "I thought it was a Giant Dead Mouse!"

"Um, doubtful. Do you know of mice that weigh 2 lbs?"

"I've never seen a rat in real life before," I explain. Thinking about it again sends me to the kitchen sink, where I dry heave as the DNB taunts me.

"Did you see him shaking his money-maker at you?"

"Don't joke," I say sternly. "That's, like ...."

"Oh please tell me it's your worst fear," he replies.

"Well, yes. But I was going to say that it could be a message someone's trying to send us. Like a boar head in your bed or something."

"A horse head?" His tone tells me he can't believe we're having this conversation.

"Yeah, it's like a warning."

"I'm pretty sure it just crawled underneath your car and died."

"That was so gross," I say, shuddering. The DNB walks past me and puts his hand on my shoulder. "And don't try to be loving," I warn him.

"Oh, I'm not," he replies cheerfully. "I'm just wiping my Rat Hand on you."


Cato said...

Laughed out loud times. Alison is happy that you worked a Redwall reference into the post.

The DNB said...

See, if you'd have let me get that fork lift this would have been a lot easier and I wouldn't have had to wipe my rat hands on you!