Friday, January 23, 2009

Wardrobe Malfunction Mars* Big Workout Program

I go to the gym!

I am wearing my slightly too-short yoga pants and an old t-shirt. What I do not realize at the time is that I am also wearing a pair of underwear that has gotten too big.

It's either that or the combination of slippery material and SWASS,** but as I near my tenth minute on the Crossramp, I feel my panties start to slide. Downward. I try to wiggle a little bit, trying to scooch them up. Doesn't work with panties like it does with a hula hoop, mental note. They're halfway down my ass, which means that at this point I can't really hike them back up without totally sticking my hand down my pants.

If I were a member of, say, Gold's Gym, this would be no problem. But the Y is family-oriented. I glance at the rules posted on the wall near me: "No swearing or threatening language. No food or drink permitted in the workout area. Appropriate attire and non-marking gym shoes must be worn." I look around. The free weights and circuit training areas behind me are busy. Not that I care if some pumped up 'Roid Rager watches me pull my panties up, but I decide to leave it and hope for the best.

And YES, by the way, I had thought of just getting off the Crossramp and dashing to the locker room. Except that the last time I tried to pause the machine, it totally turned off and deleted my calorie count (I went ahead and assumed 1,000 burned). Also, I try to avoid the locker room because a lot of older women seem to have no modesty. Speaking of, I'd like to remind those women to NOT SIT ON THE BENCHES BARE-ASSED.

The panties continue to slide. They finally end up in a pathetic bunch right under my butt cheeks. I pull my t-shirt down.

At last, my workout ends. I come up with the brilliant idea to exit the main room with my back to the wall. That way, mostly no one will have to see my lumpy rear. Except as I'm sliding along, I realize how totally weird I look. So I kind of bend my legs and squat so it looks like I'm doing some super-effective sideways fitness move. In fact, this one lady looks like she's going to comment on how awesome my move is, except then she has a coughing fit and can't.

The whole thing is traumatizingly familiar.

* It's "mars," not "marrs." Get it right, people.

** Sweaty Ass. Or for my mother - when your rear end perspires.


Anonymous said...

Looking on the bright side - loose panties means you've lost weight! Go you!!

Anonymous said...

LOL, and this is why I go comando at the gym...those things never stay where they're supposed to and there are only so many ways one can disguise picking at one's panties.

S said...

Except with my luck, I'd probably be bent over stretching and moon the place.