Monday, January 5, 2009

Christmas, Revisited: You're Going to Be Jealous

I don't want it to sound like I'm bragging, but one of my Christmas presents this year was totally better than anything you got:

Oh yes. It's Painting Pets on Rocks by Lin Wellford.

The copyright on the book is 2000, which means that in this century there are people not only painting pets on rocks, but BUYING BOOKS ABOUT painting pets on rocks. The whole book is a photo-illustrated, step-by-step guide to painting the following pets on rocks: fish, Guinea Pigs, parrots, Tabby cats, black or white cats, Siamese cats, Dalmatians, Irish Setters, Bulldogs, and Yorkies. Heaven help you if you have an iguana, you'll have to freehand it.

Apparently, and according to the introduction, to many people "the idea of turning an ordinary rock into a three-dimensional piece of art was simply irresistible, and in the process of painting they uncovered talents they never dreamed they possessed." OF COURSE they never dreamed they would possess a talent for painting pets on rocks, what kind of loser dreams of that? Fronting an all-girl punk band? Preventing the zombie apocalypse? Beating any of your husband's Wii scores? THESE are the stuff dreams are made of.

Of course, one of the great benefits of painting pets on rocks is that "capturing the likeness of a beloved pet on a rock is a wonderful way to celebrate that special bond, while creating a lasting remembrance." Are my dogs the only ones that would see a painted rock and take a giant leak on it? I'd better use paint rated for grade school boys' bathrooms.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take photos of the Buds from various angles so I can figure out how each pose might translate into common rock shapes.

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