Monday, December 22, 2008

One Shouldn't Be Ungrateful at Christmas, But I'm Not One.

Last Christmas, my first present from the DNB was a box of light bulbs.

My second present was a light fixture for my Closet Room. Get it? Light bulbs for the light fixture.

Yeah, I thought it sucked too.

My third present was a "StressEraser." According to the website, it's a "portable biofeedback device that helps you learn to activate your body's natural relaxation response in minutes." According to me, it was the DNB's way of telling me to Effing Stop Stressing.

"These are the worst presents ever," I told him. I felt badly, because I know he was actually listening when I complained about not having enough light to plaster on my makeup. But you just can't get a gal like me Lowe's merchandise as a gift.

"So no improvement-based gifts this year, right?" I ask him now, for the second time today. The DNB thinks this is nagging. False. I learned in sales that the average American needs to hear a message three times before they internalize it.

"Probably not," he replies.

"No Barnes & Noble gift certificates good only in the Self Help section. No free sessions with a therapist. And no complimentary prescription for Valium."

That's five times, to compensate for the Rampant ADD. Fingers crossed.


Anonymous said...

I think you should reconsider that Valium prescription...that could come in handy around the holidays (or anytime, really).

S said...

Welcome, evilcharity, and YES, you are brilliant.