Thursday, November 20, 2008

Vagina Modelogues, Or THIS POST HAS LOTS OF CAPS.

"One of the best things about being in pediatrics is that it is rarely medically necessary to put your finger in a kid's butt or to peer inside a vagina," the DNB announces.

"Okay," I reply because there's really nothing more to be said.

"So tell me why it is that every few years, they make me put my finger in an adult's butt and do a pap smear," he goes on. "It makes no sense, but tomorrow I will be wrist-deep in vaginas." It's called Having A Way With Words.

The residency program has hired what the DNB fondly refers to as "Vagina Models." These are women who get paid to get annual exams. More than annually. Often a half-dozen times a day. Other than the pay, I assume these women get the satisfaction of helping to train bright young doctors, and the awesome bonus of leaving them completely shell-shocked.

"Oh my god one of the Vagina Models today was . . ." the DNB shudders as he recounts his day.

"That awful, huh?"

"Umm, she described the exam process as a 'search for the tonsils.' Except I was NOWHERE NEAR HER TONSILS. She kept reminding me that I needed to go 'up the mountain and down through the valley,' because that's what 'WORKS BEST FOR HER.'"

"That is completely weird," I sympathize.

"And that's not even the weirdest part!!" he practically yells. "I'm all in there and whatnot, and she tells me she LEFT A SURPRISE IN THERE FOR ME TO FIND."

I screech with glee. "She actually LEFT something IN THERE? Like a prize?" I'm so reward-motivated.

"I don't know, I'm thinking maybe it's a quarter! If I find it, can I keep it? Can I trade it for a different quarter that hasn't been IN SOMEONE'S VAGINA?"

He takes a deep breath, as if readying himself for the next bit.

"Go on," I demand. "What was the surprise; did you find it?"

"Oh yeah, I found it all right. It was a POLYP in her CERVIX."

I'm suddenly indignant. "Well that was totally misleading. Saying she 'left' something there implies that she actually placed something in there. A polyp isn't a surprise, it's a tissue growth. How lame."

"I KNOW, right? Unless she really did take a polyp from somewhere and put it in her cervix, which would be totally impressive."

We ponder this for a moment.

"Up the mountain, and down through the valley . . . " I repeat. It does have a ring to it.

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