Monday, November 17, 2008

Pluck My Eyes Out, Also You May Have Noticed I Can Code Strikethroughs Now

Many of you know that I'm not much of a whiner; when things go badly I keep a stiff upper lip and deal with them like the strong, independent woman I am.

In related news, comments on this post will be closed.

So for the past two weeks, I've had what can only be described as the Headache From Hell (hereinafter, HFH). It has been severe and constant. My brother once expressed pain by wailing, "Cut my head off! Pluck my eyes out!" At the time, my family was all, how cute, he's so dramatic. Now those phrases pretty much sum up my existence.

Although the DNB is a doctor, he didn't offer me any narcotics is totally unhelpful has been lovingly clueless. Especially when I started feeling nauseous last week, and then having bouts of vertigo and vomiting over the weekend. His best suggestion was that I take a pregnancy test. And by "best," I mean "only." Not "winner of an idea."

"THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE WHAT PREGNANCY IS LIKE," I yell from the bathroom.

I stare at the stick. It provides a helpful guide: two lines for pregnant, one line for not. Nothing happens. I wait the proscribed 3 minutes. Still nothing.

"There aren't any lines!" I holler. "Am I a dude?"

After that failed doctor-recommended effort, I turn to my most trusted source for medical information: Google. I run a search of my symptoms and take careful notes on the results.

"I have to go take my temperature," I explain to the DNB. "Because I might have dengue fever."

"Yes. Dengue fever is definitely the most likely cause," he replies.

"Whatever, you thought I was pregnant. You no longer get input."

My temperature is shockingly low.

"Is dengue like a reverse fever?" I ask the DNB, forgetting about the no-input thing. "Like a super low fever?"

"No. It's like a super high fever."

"Okay, so maybe that's not it." I continue my internet search.

Below is a non-exhaustive list of what I probably have:

  • toxic marine poisoning (I don't really eat fish, but those little bastards are tricky, so you never know)
  • brain tumor
  • stroke
  • tension headache, described in the following way by the Mayo Clinic, which was clearly channeling my brother, "in its most extensive form, the pain feels like a hooded cape that drapes down over the shoulders"
  • dengue fever
  • hypermastication - chewing too much? (I'm going to try to eat without chewing today, and see if it helps)
  • meningitis (possible, although one of its symptoms is problems tolerating loud noises, and I haven't noticed that other than as it relates to the DNB's voice)
"I'd go with the toxic marine poisoning," the DNB comments, looking at the list.

"Yeah, that or the hooded cape one."

5 comments:

Kristen said...

You better not let ma see this post. If she even gets the IDEA into her head that you are having pregnancy like symptoms, she'll go crazy. At least then the pressure would be off of me.

S said...

ACK, excellent point. Except a headache isn't even a pregnancy symptom, is it? Don't headaches come later, once your kids are teenagers and hate you and would rather DIE than be seen in public with you?

Kyle said...

I assure you they come sooner than that - about when they exit the womb is when they started for me. Not to say that parenthood isn't the most awesome thing ever, because it is...but babies wailing has a way of making you tense. :)

S said...

Dude, then stop pinching your kid.

Ellen said...

I used to get chronic tension headaches, which kind of sounds like what you have. Mine started at the same time every day. Finally a doctor told me that it started as stress, but that since a headache is like a muscle spasm, my brain just learned to repeat it. Awesome. The only thing that broke the cycle was huge amounts of Aleve/naprosin: 200-400 mg every 12 hours. Hope you feel better soon!