Friday, November 14, 2008

It's Not a Frog in Your Throat. It's Much, Much Worse.

I begin to get sick!

I have a headache, my stomach hurts, and it feels like I have a pill lodged in my throat.

"Oh my god," I say loudly to the DNB at midnight. Loudly enough that he wakes up, but not loudly enough that it's obvious I'm trying to wake him up. "I think I have a pill lodged in my throat."

"Mmmmm-hmmmm," he mutters. "It's okay."

I've been paranoid about getting a pill lodged in my throat ever since I was at a party and a woman told me how she actually had it happen to her. As she was running out the door to go to work, she took an aspirin and dipped her head under the kitchen faucet to wash it down. A few hours later, she kept feeling like she had something caught in her throat. She tried coughing and making weird choking sounds, but nothing helped. Everyone thought she was crazy for insisting the pill was stuck, which is interesting because EVERYONE THINKS I'M CRAZY TOO.

A few days passed, and her throat started to hurt. Each day it got worse and worse, until she finally called her doctor. The doctor told her she probably just had a sore throat and to wait it out, which is just proof that doctors have no idea what they're talking about, and by "doctors" I mean "my husband." A week later, it still wasn't better, and she finally convinced her doctor to drop a scope down her throat to check things out. And she totally DID have that aspirin stuck in there, and it had somehow eaten away at her throat and formed an ABSCESS that the doctor had to DRAIN, which is both disgusting and fascinating.

And I know that many of you are eating breakfast right now, and that the graphic nature of this post may have caused you to lose your appetite. But it's clear that people have to be SHOCK-'N-AWED in order to understand just how serious this Pill-Lodging thing can be. This pretty much makes me the Howard Stern of blogging, except with fewer naked women and a cause.

"You're going to be sorry when it forms an abscess and we have to pay hundreds of dollars to have it drained because my insurance company will insist that the puss-draining of an abscess is a 'routine' procedure when you have an abscess and that they don't cover 'routine' procedures," I tell him, clearing my throat with purpose.

"Mmmm-hmmm. It'll be awful," comes the DNB's muffled reply, as he clenches his specially marked pillow to his ears.

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