Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The Mormons, Part II

We've been talking for quite some time when one of the elders looks down. It is at this point that I realize I am not wearing a bra. Hello, celibate young Mormon fellows, these are my boobies. I am mortified. THIS is why the DNB is always tasked with door-answering in the evening!

I think of how I might stand to cover myself; a high arm cross might work. Instead, I use the sacred writings the elders have given to me. If I hold the Book of Mormon just so, it covers a nipple and a half. I don't mean to be sacrilegious, but which is worse? Using the Book of Mormon to hide a little THO or causing impressionable young missionaries to sin through the lusts of the flesh?

The elders are explaining how if you believe in Jesus you'll go to heaven. If you're baptized. By one with the authority to baptize. Who is Mormon.

I clench the Book of Mormon to my chest and point out that I am not, sadly, going to heaven. NOT TO WORRY, says one of the elders. Because after I die there will be ANOTHER CHANCE. Brilliant!

I'm getting excited about drinking coffee until my Second Chance, when one of the elders pulls his phone out of his pocket and looks at the time. I'm a little indignant, THIS MY ETERNAL SOUL WE'RE DISCUSSING.

"Well," he says. "We need to be going."

I remain calm until they disappear around the corner.

"BABY!" I scream as I stomp back into the house. "The Mormons just told ME that THEY had to go! I JUST GOT DISSED BY THE MORMONS!"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I guess you should have asked for a second Book of Mormon, an awl, and some sturdy twine to fashion yourself a proper "Bra of Mormon".