Thursday, December 6, 2007

How an Open Letter to the People of Minneapolis Would Read, if Written by the Snow Emergency Parking Committee

Dear Valued Minneapolis Resident,

The City of Minneapolis works hard to plow the streets quickly after a snowstorm, and to this end our committee has created an exhaustive list of street parking rules which go into effect at 9pm on the day a Snow Emergency is declared. The purpose of this letter is to provide a friendly reminder of these rules so that everyone may enjoy a safe and tow-free winter.

If you fail to move your car in accordance with these rules, not only will we be forced to tow your car, but also to kick you repeatedly in the shins while making fun of your mom. It's not pretty, but we didn't spend 67 hours in meetings making this shit up just to have you people ignore it.

What seems to make things a little more challenging for those of you from the "community" is that Snow Emergencies last, by definition, for three days. Also, the rules change each day. And the first "day" of a Snow Emergency isn't actually even a day, but rather an overnight period. Trust us, we have our reasons.

So.

On Day 1, which lasts from 9pm to 8am, be aware that you may not park on either side of a street which is a Snow Emergency Route. Feel free to park anywhere else with all the flagrant abandon you can muster when it's -10 outside and you've just spent 3 hours commuting 5 miles home from work.

On Day 2, which falls between 8am and 8pm (because too many of you would have caught on if we were consistent with the 9pm thing), you may not park on the even side of any street which is not a Snow Emergency Route. Also, you may not park on either side of a parkway. What is a parkway, you ask? Well, you'll know them because their names end with the word "parkway." Except for the parkways which don't use the word parkway at all, but rather are titled "street," "drive," or "avenue."

On the final day of a Snow Emergency, again 8am - 8pm (you'd better believe that one was a gift), you may not park on the odd side of any street which is not a Snow Emergency Route. Parking on parkways, whether titled parkway, street, drive, or avenue, is once again permitted.

In closing, there are a few additional items we would like to bring to your attention.

First, a note from our lawyers: please make special note of the fact that if you own a four-wheel drive vehicle and fail to move it, the city will not be liable if it neglects to use a flatbed to tow your car, rips off the front end, sells the whole thing to a junk yard for scrap metal, and then fails to notify you. At this time, we cannot comment further on this strictly hypothetical situation.

Finally, the aforementioned rules will be considered null if the first day of a Snow Emergency falls on the second, fourth, or fifth Wednesday of the month, and will be reversed on Opposite Day.

Cordially,
The Minneapolis Snow Emergency Parking Committee

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