Wednesday, November 21, 2007

On Body Hair

I have always been the vain one in the family. I'm admitting right here and right now that I have an entire bedroom especially for my shoes, makeup, and clothes, and I call it my Closet Room, and yes I have a problem. But today, my sister topped every limited edition Chanel earrings fantasy I've ever had.

"I got laser hair removal," she announced, as a casual endnote to our conversation.

"What?" I screech. I have been wanting laser hair removal for roughly 5 years, give or take the WHOLE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

"Mom took me," my sister continues, as if I can handle all of this information at once.

"Mom?" I screech again. My mother? Who believes in growing old naturally? Who probably still uses disposable razors? Who didn't use a massage gift certificate I bought her until the week before it expired? And only because I reminded her it was about to?

"It all started when this OB-GYN had a patient who was so hairy he couldn't stop feeling bad for her. So his wife decided to do something to help, and started doing laser hair removal in town," she goes on to say.

I was starting to get jealous. Really jealous, like Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor jealous. A number of years ago, I did a Laser Hair Removal Cost Efficiency Calculation. Without even accounting for inflation or the value of my time, I determined that razor blades and shaving gel alone would cost more than laser hair removal for both legs and my bikini line. AND, I only calculated through age 60 because God knows whether shaving will still be worth it after Madeline and Kirby send me to the nursing home.

And then I stopped to think, and realized that there are more important things in life than laser hair removal. Like WHETHER MY DOCTOR THINKS I'M SO HAIRY THAT HE TALKS ABOUT IT WITH HIS WIFE, WHO DECIDES TO BECOME A LICENSED ESTHETICIAN SO SHE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.


Kyle said...

I've been accused of having ape-legs, however, few souls have seen my bikini line since I was on the swim team in high school.

Dana said...