Saturday, July 14, 2007

Don't Call Me, and I Won't Call You

I receive my first Minnesota telemarketing call!

I haven't had to deal with telemarketers in years, since I have traditionally only used a cell phone. But for various reasons, including the DNB's convenient habit of forgetting to change his ring from the "Silent" setting to the "Earsplitting" one that signals Your Wife Is Calling, we decided to get local phone service.

Although I did immediately register the number on the Do Not Call list, I do know that it can take a bit for the number to make it into the system, so I'm willing to be a little forgiving of the call itself. What I am not forgiving of, however, is the caller's logic.

"Good afternoon, would you like to subscribe to the [insert local newspaper] with a 30-day money back guarantee?" asks Anonymous Accented Salesman.

"No thank you," I reply. "I read the online version of [insert local newspaper] already."

"But does the online version offer you a 30-day money back guarantee?" he inquires.

Really? I pause.

"I don't need a money back guarantee because it. doesn't. cost. anything," I say slowly, trying to give him time to flip to the correct page in his "Answers to Objections" manual.

"Oh, it doesn't cost anything," he acknowledges. There's a moment of silence as I wait for his next pitch. "Well, what if your internet goes out?" He brightens with this new line of argument.

"Then I have bigger problems," I respond. "Like where am I going to get my porn?"

"Yeah," he laughs nervously. Undeterred, he continues, "Maybe you'd like to subscribe to our Saturday and Sunday issues, then?"

"Really, still not," I tell him, beginning to get annoyed. "The internet also works on weekends."

"How about just a Sunday subscription. . . ?" he trails off.


Anonymous said...

He's fired.

S said...

Absolutely fired. I should have told him that. Right after the porn thing.

Anonymous said...

The porn thing was brilliant, by the way. I've never been more proud.