Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Too Little, Too Late; Too Much, Too Long

He doesn't get it.

My one rule is honesty. Even when it hurts me, just be honest, I beg him. I don't want to live a sham life. I don't want to be treated like a fool. Tell me the truth.

There have been years of lies. Because he doesn't get it. He thinks what I'm upset about is the act itself; he thinks he made a good choice. But I'm not and he didn't because what makes me ache are the lies.

It will go better for you, I tell him, if you're honest. And it has, on the few occasions when he's managed it. But there's something deep within him, some fear or shame, that holds tightly to this impulse to secrete. I don't have this. Days ago, I called to tell him my own truth. It's never easy to share your darkness, but it's the right thing to do.

What if this never changes? someone asks me. I give the right answer, but my stomach churns with unease.

I listen to him silently; he explains, apologizes. It's too late. He waited too long to tell me. I feel disrespected and want to throw up.

He tells me he made the right decision, in the end.

The right decision is the truth, nothing less.

No comments: