Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I Haven't Turned Out Yet

We broke our rule today: we fought about money. We discussed intensely.

I want to buy a pair of earrings that are, admittedly, too expensive. In a gesture of goodwill, I told the DNB about them and asked whether I could get them. He told me no.

This wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want the "no" part, certainly, but I also didn't want him to make a unilateral decision. I wanted him to tell me his opinion and his rationale and then let me decide whether it was a purchase I should make. Don't tell me what to do, I would have yelled, if I believed in yelling.

This financial togetherness, still, is so difficult for me. I expressed this to him, after. Six months ago, if I had the money, I could have whatever I wanted. I had no one to answer to. Six months ago, and after dating for six years, we were all but married. Except we weren't. Except we still retained all the benefits of life alone. This has made it harder, I think, for me.

I want to keep my own name.
I want to keep my own money.
I want to keep my independence.

But I've committed myself to another.
It's not a "giving up" that marriage brings, it's a "letting in."

These things will come.

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